Dark Before the Dawn

November is such a symbolic month for me … 30 years ago in November I had the most traumatic experience of my life. For many years following that event I feared the month of November. The time change in November and the sun setting so much earlier than any other time of the year only added to my fear. I lived this way for 13 years of my life, to be exact.

My obsessive compulsive tendencies were heightened during this time. As a single woman living on my own, I was always frantic to get home before it got completely dark outside and, once home, I would turn on all of the lights in my apartment and open every door and look under my bed to make sure there was no one inside my space.

I lived many years of my life with inexplicable anxiety and numbness (I learned many years later that “numbness” was a coping mechanism in which I disassociated with reality and a form of PTSD). I can’t begin to tell you how I felt when I learned that the feelings I’d lived with for so long weren’t “normal.” I had resorted to the fact that this was my lot in life … until about several years later when I gave my life to the Lord. That was the beginning of my road to recovery and restoration.

A lot of things began to happen in my life that I, quite frankly, never thought I was worthy of, or I thought I would never have the privilege of experiencing. Somehow, love found me and some of the things I’d always dreamed of for my life began to be realized … I got married to someone who accepted me just as I was, in all of my brokenness. Not only did I gain a husband, I also gained an extended family that loved me like I was one of their own. Being raised by a single mom and a family of 3, I’d always dreamt of being part of a large family and now I was! There are too many blessings to share in one letter. However, the biggest and most amazing gift God gave me is the birth of my only child, my son, Samuel.

We were told that he would be born on December 5th. God in all of His Sovereign Goodness & Grace orchestrated my son’s birth in the month of November! The very month I’d feared and dreaded for 13 years … God, in one fell swoop, literally, washed away all of the terror and trepidation I associated with the month of November with the amazing birth of my son.

November was such a miserable month for me to face over the years. Now, looking back, I see it was a time that built my character. I am so grateful that it gave me a resolve to persevere. It gave me compassion for others and eyes to see the beauty beyond the surface of people’s facades (probably because of my own facade). I’m grateful that it taught me the sanctity of life and how incredibly fragile life truly is. I learned, deeply, that hurting people, hurt people. I’m so grateful that it gave me an unfathomable love for others, especially those who are marginalized and seemingly forgotten (again, because I knew all too well how that felt). More importantly, it gave me an undeniable gratitude for

life and an insatiable desire to spread as much love and positivity as I can. I know that I can never repay God for having mercy on me. I’m grateful that I can, however, do as much 

good as I can, where I am planted, for as long as I am on this earth.

 

 

The term that it’s darkest before the dawn is the horrible, ugly, dreadful, incredible, transformative, magnificent, joyful story of my life. My prayer is that my story resonates with you in some small way and gives you hope. To those who may be walking in the darkness of your own life right now, may you be encouraged to know that the dawn is coming! God has a perfect plan for each of our lives and He has a beautiful, magnificent love story for you, too!

 

With love and joy,

 

Rica