The Hardest Question | September 2019

Dear Friends,

From time to time, my husband Rob asks me a question that just stops me in my tracks. Candidly, when he first asked me this question, I was so irritated by it that I just ignored him. He persisted and I found myself incredibly uncomfortable.

I have a fight or flight tendency. Many times, I avoided the question (flight) and other times my attempt to answer it ended up in a fight.

I slowly began to accept the fact that my husband was not going back down until I gave him an honest, genuine response. As I settled into that realization, I began to introspect. Why is this question so hard for me and why does it make me feel so incredibly uncomfortable to the point of tears?

The question he asks is this: What do you want your life to look like? And, the follow up question is: If it doesn’t look like anything you’d hoped it would, what changes can you make to create the life you want? Ugh!

You see, many, many years ago I had my entire life planned out. Literally. I was going to graduate from SFSU with my Bachelor’s in Radio & Television. I was going to go to Columbia University for my Masters, become the next Connie Chung, get my PhD and teach. That was my life plan. My nice, comfortable, respectable plan. And then, about 1 month before graduating from SFSU, I was assaulted and the entire trajectory of my life completely changed. Everything that seemed important simply wasn’t anymore. All I could think of is if I was someone “important,” the tragedy I experienced would have been newsworthy. I realized that the career I was aspiring toward relied on “great ratings,” and those great rating usually came at the expense of someone else’s tragedy. Suddenly, my career path did not sound appealing anymore. I was lost. Truth be told, I have been lost for a very, very long time since that event. And now, my husband is asking me what I want my life to look like.

My first half marathon! A courageous accomplishment for me!

For goodness sake, how am I supposed to answer that question? More tears. After all of these years, I have not allowed myself to dream. How could I? If I dream, I risk something bad happening and {poof” it all goes away anyways. It is safer not to dream.

How dare he ask me what I want my life to look like. After all, he knows more than anyone the pain and suffering I endured. How do I want my life to look? I’m alive. I have a beautiful, humble little family and I’m healthy. Isn’t that enough? Isn’t it??

It’s the hardest question because I don’t want to think about it. I’m scared to dream. I can’t believe that I have been afraid to think about what I want my life to look like for fear of it all being taken away.

Where does that leave me now? Well, I still don’t really like that question because it forces me to look at where my life is now and consider what changes I need to make to create the life I want. Whew! That’s a HUGE deal for me!

The biggest adjustment I made recently was stepping out in faith to launch Meraki Real Estate. To create a brand that, I believe, encompasses who I am and how I run my business is a wish come true. I truly love helping people and connecting people. Although selling real estate was not necessarily a dream of mine, it where, I believe, God has led me and it affords me the opportunity to help others even beyond real estate.

I also want my life to be filled with “my people”- to create community and to truly live life with others. I want a home big enough to invite friends and strangers and have my extended family visit more often. I want to help those in need. I want to spend more time with my friends. I want to have more FUN and laughter in my life and I really want to explore my creative side. Another thing I discovered as I pondered this question is that my life, up to this point, has been incredibly serious. I left home at a very young age and was so focused on just survived that I have never really allowed myself to have fun and explore my creativity. I want to have closure in my life and meet my family in the Philippines that I never had the privilege of knowing. There are a few other things, yet this is a good start!

So, there you have it! I’m still working on many of the things on my life, yet I have set the course and am determined to see them to fruition. I’m slowly yet surely working towards building the life I want. Now, it’s your turn. What do you want your life to look like? And, if it doesn’t look like anything you’d hoped it would, what are you going to do today to make those changes?

“Every man dies. Not every man really lives.” -William Wallace

Here’s to all of us really, truly, unabashedly living life!

Love your friend,

Rica